Ask Astrid: What You Should Know About Dinner Party Etiquette
Ask Astrid is a monthly advice column focusing on the modern rules of engagement and aims to help individuals navigate social scenarios with respect and consideration.
‘Etiquette’ is a loaded word. Does it really matter? Do you really need to care? What really is it, anyway?
We are long past the Bridgerton era and the stuffy and archaic ways of thinking about it. No longer is etiquette about how you hold your fork, but, rather about how you make people feel. Etiquette can help reduce misunderstandings and confusion in social situations, making everyone feel comfortable and respected.
At the core, it is about being thoughtful and considerate of other peoples’ feelings. We rarely remember details of events long after they happen, yet we always remember how we felt.
We have all experienced dreaded social interactions and moments where we are left unsure of what to do or say. It feels like time stands still in these situations. Etiquette is also about minimizing awkward and cringe-worthy moments and showing respect. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and trying to make others feel comfortable is never out of style.
The intent of this new column is to touch upon some of the social interactions we encounter in our everyday lives.
Let’s get into it! Whether you are a host or a guest of a dinner party, the same sentiment applies—you want to make people feel comfortable around you. Hosts are curating a gathering where they want people to feel at ease in their home while guests have an integral role to play as well.
Here are some dos and don’ts for the next time you host or are a guest in someone’s home.
Hosts
A host’s main goal is to create an enjoyable, comfortable, and welcoming experience for everyone. The best hosts try to anticipate guests’ needs in advance, from the room’s temperature to a fully-stocked washroom—all with the goal of comfort in mind.
Do
- Communicate: Ensure that your guests are informed about the timing, location, directions, and any other relevant details like the dress code. If it’s casual, share that so your guests aren’t worried about what to wear. It is also helpful to set expectations about whether it is a full meal, light meal, etc. Something else to consider is whether you tell guests who haven’t been to your place before if you have any furry friends.
- Dietary restrictions: Ask guests in advance if they have any food allergies. If there are shared dishes, it is helpful to let those with restrictions know which items they can or cannot eat. People with allergies often feel like a bother, especially if they’re the only ones. Help them feel welcome and comfortable.
- ‘May I bring anything?’ If your guests ask if they can bring something, decide whether you are going to say yes or no to those offers. If you say ‘yes’, it’s best to be very specific with people about what you’d like them to bring, like a dessert or a vegetable side dish.
- Think about the social dynamics: Should you have a seating chart? Do people know each other? Decide whether you want to pre-plan seating arrangements for the meal. It’s quite common in the UK to separate partners and close friends during meals so that guests engage with each other and have in-depth conversations outside of their immediate circle. If you do have a seating chart, consider common interests, etc. when preparing the plan.
- Engage: While you are hosting and have many tasks to do, the most important one is being present with your guests and making them feel at ease.
- Avoid a Cinderella moment: The fact that people are still lingering long after the meal is a testament to a great time. If guests aren’t getting the hint that you’d like to wrap up, it’s absolutely fine to start saying ‘thank you for coming’ and gesturing that it’s time to go through cleaning up, modifying the lighting, etc.
Don’t
- Don’t break rule number one: Your main role is to make people feel comfortable and at ease, and to have fun.
- To pour or not to pour: Don’t assume that everyone is drinking alcohol and have non-alcoholic options available. There are various reasons people don’t want to drink. Asking why or pressuring someone to drink is a no-fly zone.
- Restrictions: While you should not completely alter the meal for someone’s dietary restriction, if a guest has let you know of one, be mindful and have an option for them. Or, alternatively, communicate with them before in case you need clarification or you’d like them to bring something specific.
- Taboo at the table?: What do you do if some of your dinner guests start arguing over politics or other heated topics? While open discourse is part of a vibrant democracy, it is important that no one feels personally attacked. If a conversation is starting to head in the wrong direction and becoming uncomfortable, you can step in and try to redirect the conversation.
- Homeward bound: Ensure that your guests have appropriate ways to get home.
